Category: Recovery

Moving through lockdown. Transitioning through another phase in life. Always looking forward. Growth. Development. Expansion. Not only for the business but for my mind and body.

To me it’s important to work on myself. Test my abilities as a human being. Push my brain. Expand my mental strength. The world turns and I cannot keep still. I may well fall off.

Looking to the future it’s not clear. It’s still to be written. My actions today will influence that outcome. They dictate the next day, week and years ahead.

Do I go left? Hummm. Do I turn Right? Lets see. Or proceed straight ahead? The ever present T- junction of life.

Whatever the choice I make, it’s moving and that’s the most important thing.

Today I am the product of my past. I am here and where I am today because of no one but me. The decisions I make in the next second, the coming minutes and hours will shape my future. I am my own destiny in the making and that’s really exciting.

Safe swimming folks. Work hard. Dream big. Believe in yourself and stand by your actions. There can be no regrets. After all, it was my choice.

NB.Addiction/Alcoholism is an illness. When you are so sick there can seem no way out. No life beyond the next fix, drink hi or low. To be offered an alternative to a life so broken that to stay is more appealing than the unknown of the alternative. I speak freely of my destroyed past life and into my recovery years. Of my life beyond the tipping point. Beyond the dark clouds and into a clear dawn. It took me 39 years to see and believe there was an alternative to taking my own life. 39 years where I wreaked havoc and chaos, hurt and lost. I wouldn’t wish suicidal thoughts on anyone and the lead up to that is certainly no party either. Please please SHARE this post so it may help someone somewhere see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This illness doesn’t have to be taken all the way to the depths of hell. You can get off the speeding train before it gets to that station. There is an alternative. There is another life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all those who SHARE and please leave an Emoji of your choice to bring some joy to the day. T

Massive thank you and lots of love to all those that have supported me throughout my time on this planet. .
Safe swimming folks. It helps clean the mind. MH🤗
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Please Please Share this post to highlight a life beyond drink and drugs and also that disposing of your waste in the Ocean is a massive NO NO. thank you!!
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#leavenotrace
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Picture my man @theopenwaterphotographer
being a ledge as always.

Struggling with the past. Wrestling with the future. The insanity of that first drink. That first drug. That initial reaction. No control. The obsession.The gut wrenching turmoil of keeping it at arms wrench. The push and pull of body and mind. The battle of wills and I always lost. Or was there never a winner. Picking up again was inevitable. Popping open another can was always going to happen. The next bottle of wine was on the cards. The full strength cider yes. A Joint a given. The beer, the champagne, the prosecco and the pimms. Whatever it was that day.I would fight it, yes. The never again was always in my head. Oh but to change the way I feel. To take away my pain. So powerful when I was so powerless.I thought I had control of my drinking. My drugging. I thought I had a measure on it. That I was the boss. A day without. A week. Hey sometimes a few months. No problem.False. Fake news. It had a grip on me and no amount of abstinence was gonna stop it. No will power strong enough. No support system, phone calls, groups or text messages would make the thinking go away.I knew it would hurt. I knew I would disappoint. I knew I would wake to the oh shit not again. Checking my car for a dink. A scuff on my knee. A sore elbow. If you were lucky the face of a disgusted partner, husband, wife, dog. The trashed kitchen. The stone over and my heaving lungs. My foggy head. The promise of never again. The promise of that was the last time. Promise to myself. Promise to whoever needed to hear it. To make them believe it. Oh and I did mean it. I honestly did.It always came back. Always harder. Always progressing.The insanity. The repeating of the same action expecting a different outcome.Freedom from the obsession now is bliss. No agony. No debilitating invisible pain. No wrestling match with myself prior to calling it in. Before popping to the shops. No internal torture chamber tearing myself in half. Shall I shan’t I. Oh the mess. Oh the suffering. The anguish. Oh my mind. Just out of it! It’s not like that today. Today I have freedom. Freedom from the obsession allows time for other things to come in. Allows for a life that I only dreamt about. Only ever read in books. Only ever seen in movies. In fact what came in was a life beyond my wildest dreams.Safe swimming folks. Dream big. If you do see the light and with a bit of hard work you may end up just living it.. MH.NB. Addiction/Alcoholism is an illness. When you are so sick there can seem no way out. No life beyond the next fix, drink hi or low. To be offered an alternative to a life so broken that to stay is more appealing than the unknown of the alternative. I speak freely of my destroyed life and into my recovery years. Of my life beyond the tipping point. Beyond the dark clouds and into a clear dawn. It took me 39 years to see and believe there was an alternative to taking my own life. 39 years where I wreaked havoc and chaos, hurt and lost. I wouldn’t wish suicidal thoughts on anyone and the lead up to that is certainly no party either. .Please please Share this post to your groups so it may help someone somewhere see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This illness doesn’t have to be taken all the way to the depths of hell. You can get off the speeding train before it gets to that station. There is an alternative. There is another life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all those who Share and please leave an Emoji of your choice to bring some joy to the day. THANK YOU.Please follow over here on insta for more www.instagram.com/theopenwaterswimmingcoach

I look back on pictures of myself. Of times before the clarity. Times before my recovery. I feel sad for the me there in those pictures. I feel sorry for him. It upsets me to see it. To see someone so low. So down. So utterly alone. I just want to hug that person. Tell them that it will be ok. I was carrying the burden of addiction and alcoholism on such small shoulders.  I see myself dying a slow painful death of everyday slipping further and deeper into the grave. It brings me to tears. I wanted to be taken away. I sought out death. I willed it. There was no point in living. To die was to be free. 
To wake again was a disappointment. Oh to live through another day a disaster. Please no not again. I needed help but I had nowhere to go. No one to turn too. No clue or idea. Just talked to myself. Run a few thoughts through own head. My illness centred in the mind. I was fuc£ing Mental. Mental Health was never words I had heard of back then. Mental Health was for someone else. That wasn’t me. I’m just fine as I am. To hear it discussed. To listen to it talked about. There is hope. There is someone who cares. Someone who may help. A point in the right direction. A friendly hand on the shoulder. A recognition in others, a message of hope. Of life beyond the torment. Beyond the barriers. A path through the nightmares and a trail of breadcrumbs out of the not so enchanted forest. I talk about my mental illness. My experience (where I was) My strength. (what I did). My Hope. (where I am now). I carry this message to give back. To show that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a clear day beyond the thunderstorms. Where there is hope there is life. And that’s a life that’s certainly a better option than death.Only I could save myself. I just needed to see that light. Be offered a glimmer of hope. That small glint of daylight through the eternity of that black out blind. Safe swimming folks. If possible grab life with both hands. Give it a chance at least. Hell even give me a bell if you want.You have one go at this.MH🤗

For me winning at the mental health game is long term. It’s not a sprint. A 100 meter dash or a quick 50m in the pool. Its forever.
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It’s a lifetime of marathons without a finish line. The white tape at the end. The rosset of first place may never come. But it’s a battle I fight anyway.
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It’s a cause and a struggle I stand toe to toe with. I give it no mercy.
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Without positive action I’ll be squashed and crushed where I lay.
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I sometimes fear the next hour. Dread the day ahead or of the sleep and dreams that may come.
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I cannot bury myself away. I cannot shy away and be taken by my demons. By my head. Today I have choices. I draw the line in the sand.
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Today I choose to fight.
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Safe swimming folks..be brave.. be bold.. and most importantly just be yourself. MH🤗