Struggling with the past. Wrestling with the future.

Struggling with the past. Wrestling with the future. The insanity of that first drink. That first drug. That initial reaction. No control. The obsession.The gut wrenching turmoil of keeping it at arms wrench. The push and pull of body and mind. The battle of wills and I always lost. Or was there never a winner. Picking up again was inevitable. Popping open another can was always going to happen. The next bottle of wine was on the cards. The full strength cider yes. A Joint a given. The beer, the champagne, the prosecco and the pimms. Whatever it was that day.I would fight it, yes. The never again was always in my head. Oh but to change the way I feel. To take away my pain. So powerful when I was so powerless.I thought I had control of my drinking. My drugging. I thought I had a measure on it. That I was the boss. A day without. A week. Hey sometimes a few months. No problem.False. Fake news. It had a grip on me and no amount of abstinence was gonna stop it. No will power strong enough. No support system, phone calls, groups or text messages would make the thinking go away.I knew it would hurt. I knew I would disappoint. I knew I would wake to the oh shit not again. Checking my car for a dink. A scuff on my knee. A sore elbow. If you were lucky the face of a disgusted partner, husband, wife, dog. The trashed kitchen. The stone over and my heaving lungs. My foggy head. The promise of never again. The promise of that was the last time. Promise to myself. Promise to whoever needed to hear it. To make them believe it. Oh and I did mean it. I honestly did.It always came back. Always harder. Always progressing.The insanity. The repeating of the same action expecting a different outcome.Freedom from the obsession now is bliss. No agony. No debilitating invisible pain. No wrestling match with myself prior to calling it in. Before popping to the shops. No internal torture chamber tearing myself in half. Shall I shan’t I. Oh the mess. Oh the suffering. The anguish. Oh my mind. Just out of it! It’s not like that today. Today I have freedom. Freedom from the obsession allows time for other things to come in. Allows for a life that I only dreamt about. Only ever read in books. Only ever seen in movies. In fact what came in was a life beyond my wildest dreams.Safe swimming folks. Dream big. If you do see the light and with a bit of hard work you may end up just living it.. MH.NB. Addiction/Alcoholism is an illness. When you are so sick there can seem no way out. No life beyond the next fix, drink hi or low. To be offered an alternative to a life so broken that to stay is more appealing than the unknown of the alternative. I speak freely of my destroyed life and into my recovery years. Of my life beyond the tipping point. Beyond the dark clouds and into a clear dawn. It took me 39 years to see and believe there was an alternative to taking my own life. 39 years where I wreaked havoc and chaos, hurt and lost. I wouldn’t wish suicidal thoughts on anyone and the lead up to that is certainly no party either. .Please please Share this post to your groups so it may help someone somewhere see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This illness doesn’t have to be taken all the way to the depths of hell. You can get off the speeding train before it gets to that station. There is an alternative. There is another life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all those who Share and please leave an Emoji of your choice to bring some joy to the day. THANK YOU.Please follow over here on insta for more www.instagram.com/theopenwaterswimmingcoach