Author: admin

Trust. A Massive part in being a coach, a Teacher. A beacon of light in this sometimes gloomy world. A mentor. A big part of being a friend. A monumental piece of being a good human.
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Life’s tough. Even on good days. We cant always win, however its about living with 2nd place. Our medals are not worn or displayed. Our war wounds are not always visible. The scars of life can run deep. They can continue to cut. .
I bleed salt water.
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To inspire others. To guide them. To see them step out from the shadows. To watch them flourish. To be fulfilled.
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Its not a job, a hobby or something I do at the weekend. Its 24, 7, 365. Its my life.
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Safe swimming when we can folks. Its calling me. Heck.. it may even be my calling! MH🤗

I have a close relationship with all of the Team. We share good stuff and bad. I am open and honest about who I was, what I did and where I am now.

80% of the gang are ladies. They are my mums of the open water. They care and we share. I care and they share back.

Its teaching me to be myself, to love myself, as myself.

Having goals and aspirations when you feel down on yourself. When you hate yourself. When it feels the whole word is against you. The self pity. The self-deprecation. Self abuse and Self harm. There is always the bestest of intentions. To break the cycle. To start today. Lets begin on Monday. No just one more.

Eat sleep repeat with it.

For me it’s been the lot. Drink, drugs. Bingeing or starving myself. Exercise or being a sloth. Anything to keep control. To keep the demons at bay. Really just anything to change the way I feel because I detested myself. Hated my situation.

Open water swimming has given me meaning. Its given me purpose. Its giving me a new lease and a love for life. One that I wished for but one that seemed so very far away. Always just out of reach. .
The people I have come in contact with. The group therapy. The power of a community.

I’m lucky to have found it. Found them. Or did it find me. My calling!

There’s no thing to tell you what u should look like. No one who gives a monkeys. There’s no right or wrong way of doing it. Thin or fat, rich or poor. The Open Water has no dress code and you don’t have to be socially beautiful to join the gang.

It may just have saved my life. Its certainly saved my soul. Its restored me to sanity.

Open Water! Its healing from the inside out. This stuff isn’t just skin deep. Like true self love, it starts from within.
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Safe swimming folks. It sorts you right out. MH🤗

Picture of the amazing Nicole. 3 months ago all the bad bits above.. now? Well she knows how she feels. Fellow ice swimmer, the best human being and one of my mums. I love her to bits. So a massive Happy Mothers Day this weekend to all my open water mums out there. I may not sea you all but you know who u are. Stay safe and thanks for looking out for me..💜

There are only 3 people in this world that know what I have just put myself through. 3 people who looked after me like a new born. 3 people who cared for me at my point where without them I would most likely be dead.

This was a calculated controlled swim. My post dip condition was inevitable but it was planned for. This was a thought out and considered event, not just a throwaway jolly with no thought for any one’s safety.

We knew where this may take me and we prepared for it.
My cold water swimming career has progressed since its inception. The heady elation of that first cold water dip. That post recovery high. All but a distant memory.

I didn’t get any of that today. I got tears instead. I got emotions so powerful it made me cry.

This is where I have taken myself. This is where I am.
My illness of alcoholism was progressive and I see that in my swimming. I didn’t start my drinking career as it ended in 2014. It constantly evolved. Moved on and ran away with me. I only had a certain amount of drinking time in me and that translates across to my swimming. On the limit of what my body can endure. The elation of that first drink so long ago. Constantly chased. Obsessively seeked. Always reaching out to capture it again and again and again. It never came. The insanity.

I drank to black out and now it would appear that I swim that way as well. And just like my drinking I have no choice.. Shit!!

Alcohol was the death of me. So close I dreamt of it. So near I willed it. To take me. To end my misery. Alone on a runaway train. A one way ticket. Next stop… Hell!

Today I was a patient being brought back from the brink. I want to cry I want to hold on to those that cared for me. Those that kept me safe when I was at my most vulnerable. My most exposed.

It’s been traumatic. It’s been a roller coaster. the highs and lows. The crashes and elation’s. The gut wrenching pit of my stomach raw raw feelings. It stops me in my tracks.

What am I doing with my swimming!? There was no medal today. No certificate of achievement. No plaudits, celebrity endorsements or an after party. There was a hug from Ju and some snaps to help me with recall.

Before today’s swim I feared the after. Feared the what now? What next? Where do I go and what do I do? .
This event was a calculated measured experience that took me and the team to places both physically and emotionally that we have never been to before.

Did it do what I wanted it to do? I completed what I set out to achieve so yes. Was it enough? 6 years ago I would have said yes, however experience and clarity tells me enough is never enough for an addict of my calibre.

I smashed the life out of myself today. My mind beat my body up big time and I cannot say that I won’t do it again. Its just the way I am. Its scary being me.

Safe cold water swimming folks and keep coming back..MH🤗

Massive massive thank you to #teamhawkes . who without I wouldn’t even have turned up.