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Swimming

My cold water swim

There are only 3 people in this world that know what I have just put myself through. 3 people who looked after me like a new born. 3 people who cared for me at my point where without them I would most likely be dead.

This was a calculated controlled swim. My post dip condition was inevitable but it was planned for. This was a thought out and considered event, not just a throwaway jolly with no thought for any one’s safety.

We knew where this may take me and we prepared for it.
My cold water swimming career has progressed since its inception. The heady elation of that first cold water dip. That post recovery high. All but a distant memory.

I didn’t get any of that today. I got tears instead. I got emotions so powerful it made me cry.

This is where I have taken myself. This is where I am.
My illness of alcoholism was progressive and I see that in my swimming. I didn’t start my drinking career as it ended in 2014. It constantly evolved. Moved on and ran away with me. I only had a certain amount of drinking time in me and that translates across to my swimming. On the limit of what my body can endure. The elation of that first drink so long ago. Constantly chased. Obsessively seeked. Always reaching out to capture it again and again and again. It never came. The insanity.

I drank to black out and now it would appear that I swim that way as well. And just like my drinking I have no choice.. Shit!!

Alcohol was the death of me. So close I dreamt of it. So near I willed it. To take me. To end my misery. Alone on a runaway train. A one way ticket. Next stop… Hell!

Today I was a patient being brought back from the brink. I want to cry I want to hold on to those that cared for me. Those that kept me safe when I was at my most vulnerable. My most exposed.

It’s been traumatic. It’s been a roller coaster. the highs and lows. The crashes and elation’s. The gut wrenching pit of my stomach raw raw feelings. It stops me in my tracks.

What am I doing with my swimming!? There was no medal today. No certificate of achievement. No plaudits, celebrity endorsements or an after party. There was a hug from Ju and some snaps to help me with recall.

Before today’s swim I feared the after. Feared the what now? What next? Where do I go and what do I do? .
This event was a calculated measured experience that took me and the team to places both physically and emotionally that we have never been to before.

Did it do what I wanted it to do? I completed what I set out to achieve so yes. Was it enough? 6 years ago I would have said yes, however experience and clarity tells me enough is never enough for an addict of my calibre.

I smashed the life out of myself today. My mind beat my body up big time and I cannot say that I won’t do it again. Its just the way I am. Its scary being me.

Safe cold water swimming folks and keep coming back..MH🤗

Massive massive thank you to #teamhawkes . who without I wouldn’t even have turned up.